I know that everyone, including myself, have someone in our lives whom we find it extremely hard to love a difficult person, especially when they are a Christian as well. I find it hard to understand, why they do certain things, when I know they are in church every week and they know better. I do realize that we are not perfect but we are to strive to be like Christ. I do not understand how a person in your own family can do all that they can to bring destruction to someone else's life. They say that they love you, but in the same turn constantly time after time do things to bring pain and heartache in your life. We have had to learn to place boundaries, and there are consequences for breaking those boundaries. They may not like them, and they make execuses and try to blame it on something else. But we have to protect our family. Being a part of a blended family makes things even more difficult. There is already so much adjusting and changing and learning, the last thing we need is someone to come in and cause more confusion and disstress. With being a blended family, and it is just that blending families and children from other families, others do not understand why you do things a certain way or try to stir up past things. We have stood our ground and have made it this far. Boundaries in all areas of our life are very important. At times it feels like people all around are trying their hardest to break our marriage apart and our childrens lives apart. We have his, mine and ours. We learned from our first marriages, and we refuse to give up on this one and destroy any other lives. We love each other dearly, and have made it through some really tough storms and we will continue to build our home of the foundation of God, we will not be destroyed.
Boundaries can help us define what are our responsibilities, can save us time and energy,
increase our love for others and save our life. We are commanded in the Bible to have
self-control, not other control. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of our lives
that are own responsibilities. We are expected to take responsibility for our own
behaviors, attitude and feelings. Boundaries help us to live and love better.
Boundaries we need to have:
Skin- we are responsible for our bodies, how we take care of them and protecting them
from others. You are separate from others. You will make choices of what your senses
will see, smell, touch, feel and hear. You will decide how you will treat your body with
food, diet and exercise. Victims of physical and sexual abuse have a difficult time with
this as others have invaded their bodies, doing whatever they wanted.
Words- You can protect yourself with the word “no” to pressure to conform to ungodly
ways or control. We are to confront people in love and not be afraid to say, “No, I will
not participate in that”. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others sinful
treatment of us. (See Matt. 18:15-20). Sometimes people with poor boundaries struggle
with saying “no” because they cherish their relationship with that person more than what
is right or wrong. The Bible warns us against giving to others reluctantly or under
compulsion in 2 Cor. 9:7. It is important to let people know where you stand and give
them a sense of the edges that help to identify you from others.
Truth- Knowing the truth from the Bible about God will help you establish boundaries.
God’s truth is to live in accord which makes for a better life (Ps. 119:2,45). Satan is a
great distorter of truth and reality. We may often justify what we do. Eve started to
justify her behavior and made an entire world fall to sin. Honesty about what you hold
important gives you integrity, loyalty and personal strength.
Distance-The Bible says to flee from Satan. Removing yourself from a situation can help
you maintain boundaries. By separating yourself, you may see things more clearly and
that may lead to a change in your behavior (Matt. 18:17). This may be very necessary in
relationships that are abusive, exploitive or emotionally unstable.
Time- Sometimes we need time away from our children, our job or difficult relationships
to get renewed and work on issues. We should not run from our problems but take time to
get recharged to work on them.
Other People- Many people are taught to say “yes” to every need of each person they
meet. They are taught by their church or family that boundaries are un-biblical, mean or
selfish. We need to be able to prioritize our greatest responsibilities and if we cannot help
someone, direct them to someone that can. We need to set limits on our exposure to
people who are behaving poorly. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves
from people who are acting in destructive ways. We need to set our own internal limits
that says that despite the act, feeling, desire, or impulse, with God’s help we can have
self-control.
Thoughts- We must own our own thoughts. We need to examine our thoughts and
“whatever is good, think on these things.” We have a responsibility to grow spiritually
and in knowledge. Ps. 119:20. We should clarify our distorted thinking if it doesn’t go
along with the Bible.
Desires-We are not to actively seek our own selfish pleasure. Or desire should not to be
to make ourselves rich, powerful, proud or sexy. We need to know God to know what we
should ask for and “he will give you the desires of your heart. Ps. 37:4.
REMEMBER:
• I have the right to define my own physical boundaries
• I have the right to feel comfortable and safe
• I can do what I need to do to keep myself comfortable and safe
• I have the right to ask, expect and insist that others respect my physical
boundaries.
• I choose to spend my time in places and with people that make me fee
comfortable and safe.
• I can protect myself from unwanted closeness and contact by saying no
• I have the right to determine how and by whom I want to be touched.
RESULTS OF NOT SETTING BOUNDARIES
When we do not develop healthy boundaries in childhood, we set up wrong patterns in
our childhood that can last all of our adulthood. Here are some:
• inability to say no to hurtful people or set limits on hurtful behavior from others
• inability to say no to their own destructive impulses
• inability to hear no from others and respect their limits
• inability to delay gratification to accomplish goals and tasks
• tendency to be attracted to irresponsible or hurtful people and try to fix them
• try to take responsibility for other people’s lives
• become romantically involved with someone you feel sorry for
• has difficulty maintaining closeness with others or a commitment to them
• experiences life as a victim instead of living it
• can be easily manipulated or controlled by others so you won’t “hurt” their feelings\
• can find yourself attracted to those who are irresponsible or hurtful and think you can
‘fix’ them
• have addictions and compulsions
• disorganization and lack of follow-through
• has difficulty being honest with those they are close to
Boundaries can prevent many problems with which many adults struggle.
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