It was 24 years to the day that my whole world came crashing down. Life was a challenge as it was. My dad has been remarried for a year, so now I had a new family. I was adjusting to living with a new mom, and 2 step brothers. I grew up with sisters, not brothers. I was in a new town, new neighborhood, new school, new friends, and I had to wear a back brace for my scoliosis. So as you can see I had alot of adjusting to do. Valentine's day had passed a few days before and I had been fighting with my mom. I would go and visit her on the weekends and she had told me that I did not appreciate anything that she had done for me. I bought her a Valentine's card saying " I appreciate all that you do for me". I had no idea that I would never be able to give her that and tell her that I was sorry for being a brat. The phone rang that night and my dad came to my room and said we gotta go right now. I was like "go where, why do we have to go right now? what is wrong?" He would not say a word to me. My neice had gotten hurt a few days before so I thought it was her, since we were heading in the direction of her house (my mom lived that way too). My dad would not let me listen to the radio, and my step mom kept looking in the back seat at me, and it was the longest ride to Clearwater South Carolina, in the silence of the night. We pulled up at my mom's cousins apartment, and my sister lived across the street. I am still thinking something happened to my neice. We walk in and everyone is there and they all had these long faces, and my dad told me to sit down. He said, "Jennifer, there has been an accident today." At that point, I realized my mom was not there and my heart was racing and I had the biggest lump in my throat. He went on, " your mom died today". I lost it. I could not believe that such a thing could happen. WOW!!! I did not see that one coming, I was numb from my head to my feet, and everything became a blur. I was like how did she die, I was given no details at the time. My middle sister had always lived with her dad and did not see my mom much,which is very understandable.
My mom:
She was manic depressive, bi-polar, an alcoholic, and had many men in her life. My parents divorced when I was in the 1st or 2nd grade. I had lived with my dad. My mom was in and out of my life, and refused to take her meds for her depression. She had her highs and lows. On her good days she was the most loving mom a child could want. On her low days, she was your worst enemy. I was always angry at her, you see...........she killed herself. I could never ever understand why she would do such a thing.
My step mom wanted me to get some counseling, but I refused and would tell me dad I was fine. But the truth of the matter, I was not fine. I remember my mom going to counseling, and I thought that if I went, I was saying that I was crazy like her. To be honest, I was dying inside and did not know how to handle it. It changed who I was as a person. Not knowing at that moment that it was going to shape the rest of my life. Up until three years ago. I was in counseling when my son was put in a Christian home for troubled teens. As a family, we had to go to counseling and parenting every week. I learned alot about myself, and all the bad junk I had in me. I had to break generational curses off of my life, and plead the blood of Jesus on my life and my childrens life. I have studied the sickness that she had, and understand now that she was very sick and without the proper meds, she was not herself. I have learned that things in our childhood shape who we are, unless we get help. But its more than getting help, you can go to counseling for years and years, but if you do not apply what they teach you then you will not be freed from your past. I am still working on somethings, and have been freed from alot. I am no longer angry with her. I wish that there were people who would have stepped out of the box to help her. I guess that is why I step out of my box so much and tell my story of my life, in order to help someone else be freed from their past.
I am still a work in progress.
I get very moody this time of year of her death. But I prayed the other day for God to help take away any hold on me during this time.
God has a plan for each of us, none of us are here by mistake. Before she died, she had gotten into church and was baptised. She was trying to living a Christian life, but as we all know when we make a choice to walk with God, Satan will hit us from every corner. We need people there to encourage us in our daily walk, especially as new believers. I want to be that person to help and encourage others in their walk, but make no mistake, I am not perfect either. Only God is perfect, and I will make mistakes still, but I try very hard to live my life according to the Bible.
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